Happy Birthday
by steubec
Summary: Rick has felt unsettled all day. What does he do when he realizes why? Set in Alexandria, though likely a little AU since I haven't seen any episodes in the ASZ. Provides a background for Rick and explores the inner workings of his thoughts and emotions. No shipping at this time.
1. Chapter 1

He'd felt off all day and it was starting to worry him. Things had been better here, more settled and they'd all fallen into a routine. Some people find routines boring, but Rick has always thrived on them. Maybe it's because he chose such an unpredictable profession for his life's work. More than once routine has helped him to keep from completely losing it. But even with the comfort of being back in a routine, something was wrong. It was more than the always present, low level of discontent he has felt since arriving in Alexandria. No, this morning was different, worse than usual and more...personal somehow.

He didn't get up right away after waking but lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was overwhelmed with an unshakable sense of dread. He heard Carl go into the bathroom and start the shower. Judith was playing in her crib in her room down the hall babbling away to herself. On the surface everything seemed okay, but he knew it wasn't. He thought about what Lori had always told him, "_Don't go making up trouble where there isn't any"_. She'd always said there was enough real trouble in the world without adding to it by being paranoid. She'd also told him to stop living inside his head so much. He still does that, every day. He misses her, especially in the mornings when he can hear the sounds of their children without distraction. The two of them used to love to wake up to the sound of Carl playing in his crib in the mornings. He was always such a happy baby. It's a shame that Lori's not here to share similar experiences with Judith. She's a happy baby too, in spite of the circumstances into which she was born. But she is truly a child being raised by a village. Their village. Rick could have easily stayed in bed and become lost in his memories and melancholy, but he knew that wasn't good for anyone. He pulled himself out of it, got up and headed downstairs for some coffee. He went about his morning as usual and when he was ready he headed to work, dropping Judith off with Carol on his way.

Rick had done this before: woken up and known something was wrong. He was never one to pay much attention to the calendar even before the walkers had taken over and changed life on earth forever. He never saw a reason to delineate between days and really only did so out of necessity. Still, occasionally something like this would happen. For instance, he always knew when it was the anniversary of his father's death based on how the day felt to him. It would only be later when he had to write the date on something that it would be confirmed.

He was 14 when he lost his father. He can still picture the look on his mother's face when they came to the door to tell her he'd been shot. She'd made a peach cobbler that morning and the rich smell filled the house. When she answered the door that sunny afternoon the chief of police was standing on the step. He had never been to their home before and as soon as she saw him she knew that her husband was gone. Rick remembers her breaking down: the crying, the inability to hold herself up as she leaned against him, holding onto him so tightly he thought she might never let go. Six months after that she moved them out of the city. He'd been pretty angry at the time but she wouldn't listen to his protests, said it was too dangerous for them to stay there. He hadn't had a choice at the time. Every year after that he would wake up on the anniversary of his father's death and instinctively know what day it was. It was on that day two years later that he made the decision to go into law enforcement.

The subconscious mind is very powerful indeed.

He eventually forgave his mother for moving them away from everything he had known as a child. It wasn't until the first time he held Carl in his arms that he understood more fully the sacrifices she had made for him: the sacrifices that he in turn would make to keep his child safe. Only now he had two to keep track of and the stakes were much, much higher.

Lori made sacrifices for their children. She made the ultimate sacrifice. Rick eventually asked Maggie what happened at the end. Lori knew the life of the baby was in danger and she begged Maggie to save it. She asked Carl to take care of his daddy and his little brother or sister. Maggie assured Rick that Lori did what she knew in her heart was right. The knowledge of her final moments haunted him, serving as a reminder of the mistakes he had made and how cruel he had been to her after they left the farm. He'd seemed willing to forgive everyone their sins except the one person who needed and deserved his forgiveness the most.

It wasn't supposed to happen that way. There was supposed to be time to make things right. He never stopped loving her. There just wasn't room for it inside himself. He had tried, really he had, several times. It's just that when he would look into her eyes, he felt weak and confused. He couldn't afford that kind of distraction. He had to be able to stay strong in order to keep his family and everyone else alive.

When he lost Lori he disappeared inside himself, to the dark places he hadn't visited since his father's death. He was in shock. He's not really sure how long it was before he held his newborn daughter. Hell, he hardly even looked at her the first few days. He felt inadequate. How could he keep a baby safe when he hadn't been able to keep his wife, a grown woman safe. He wasn't able come out of himself long enough to even provide for his daughter's most basic needs. Maggie and Glenn had been the ones to go in search of formula and almost lost their lives in the process. Herschel and Beth and everyone else made sure she was loved and comforted. Even Daryl offered her affection. Other people were willing and able to sacrifice for his child while he was not. His infant daughter was cared for by everyone else but him. He did eventually come around. But at times his responsibility to the group as a whole still superseded his responsibility to his youngest child.

It was only when he learned that Daryl had started calling the baby Lil' Ass Kicker that he listened to Carl about giving her a real name. Rick deferred the entire decision to him. He couldn't name her himself. He needed Lori's input but he didn't have it. He hadn't been willing to discuss it with her during the pregnancy and then when he was finally ready, the chance to was gone. It was right for Carl to be the one. He was the one who was there during her birth and...

He should have realized it sooner. Judith has been pulling up for a while and just last week started taking some steps on her own. She has four teeth and has been grabbing for real food. She would soon be a full fledged toddler. He now understood why he had woken up feeling like he did this morning. It was today: the day Judith entered this world a partial orphan. How could such a light enter his life at the exact moment one burned out. It didn't seem fair.

Now that he knew, Rick didn't want to wait until his shift was over to see her. He made his way to Carol's house and knocked on the screen door, "Hey Carol, it's me."

"We're in the living room, Rick."

He smiled when he walked in to find Judith cruising along the edge of the sofa with a soggy homemade cookie in her hand. He swept her up into his arms and kissed her on the head, "Happy birthday, Sweetheart!"

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**This is my first TWD fic. I'm involved in another fandom and have only recently been lurking here after devouring ;) all 4 seasons of TWD very quickly. I have started re-watching from the beginning while I wait for season 5 to make it to Netflix. I like to explore thoughts, motivations and back stories and these interpretations are my own, though the characters are not. Hats off to Robert Kirkman, Frank Daramont and the other wonderful minds behind TWD. Thanks to them for bringing such vibrant characters to life and thank you for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

"So, you wanna talk about it?"

He wanted to feign ignorance, pretend he didn't know what she was asking. It's what he would have done with anyone else. But this was her. He knew she'd see right past it and call him out on his bullshit. He considered his options a moment before turning to look at the woman who had taken her place beside him, both physically and figuratively.

He knew she could accept the truth so that's what he gave her, "Not really."

They were sitting on the steps of the porch, party going full swing behind them. Rick had stayed for the truly important parts: The presents. Judith blowing out the candles. Her digging into the cake with both hands. He'd come out onto the porch for some solitude after Carl had taken Judith up for a bath and the others had cracked open a couple bottles of wine. He wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there and only vaguely remembers hearing the door open and close. He was so lost in his thoughts that it hadn't registered what that meant exactly until he felt her steady presence next to him.

Being here in Alexandria, with it's false sense of security, had almost caused him to forget how much Judith belonged to everyone and how invested they all still are in her. He's never had to bear the sole responsibility to keep her alive and the reality is she wouldn't be here if he had. She's only alive because of all those who had cared for and protected her along the way: Herschel, Beth, Carol, Tyreese, all of them really. They filled in the gaps left by the loss of her mother as well as the metaphorical and very real absences of her father.

Still, he hadn't realized the whole group had been counting down to her birthday. He smiled to himself. He should have. It's what families do. They celebrate together, especially the milestones of life. Though it had never really been verbalized, he knew there had to have been many times when they had all wondered individually if Judith would actually make it this far when the odds were stacked so high against her. He recalls the overwhelming sickness he felt in his own stomach the moment he thought she hadn't made it. Seeing her car seat stained with fresh blood after the slaughter at the prison almost made him give up. It was a final blow that made life seem no longer worth fighting for. Almost but not quite. Looking back, it was probably only the intense pain from his injuries that blurred his thinking just enough to keep him from losing it completely. That and Carl beside him. Rick had let Carl down too many times. He couldn't do it again. He wouldn't. So he kept going, at all costs.

Now they were all here, in this place. Well, not all of them. There were those who didn't make it and their losses were still sometimes too painful to think about. Judith helped keep their memories alive, the good memories. The times of laughter and joy as well as the time of self-sacrifice. Judith is not only still alive but thriving. She is happy and curious, just like she should be and here she has the room and relative safety to continue to grow and develop in what will be her normal. Sure, it isn't normal for him or anyone else in their group. Even Carl can remember a different time. But for Judith, the world just is. She will be able to experience life without judging it against memories of the past.

"Andre would have been five last month."

She had never talked to him about Andre before. He knew she had a son before the world went to hell. He'd overheard her talking to Carl. But, he had never asked either of them about it. He respected their relationship enough to let it be. He knew how important it was for Carl to feel like he had someone in whom he could confide. He was grateful Michonne could be that for him and knew it was a mutual relationship. She didn't trust any more readily than Rick did but she trusted Carl. Rick knew that if Michonne wanted to talk to him about it then she would and for some reason she hadn't, until now.

"I'm sorry for your loss."

She pressed her lips together and looked up at the sky, "So am I."

It was his turn to patiently wait.

"You know, it was her that almost kept me from staying...The pain was still too real for me, too fresh. Losing a child...feeling guilty because I wasn't there to protect him. It's something no parent should have to go through. I couldn't risk getting attached to another child. I'm not sure I could survive losing another one."

"I know those feelings...the guilt and the fear."

She nodded, "Even when I decided to stay I kept my distance, until that damn day Beth practically shoved her in my arms. After that I couldn't avoid it anymore. I just held her close...and cried for him. I cried for me too."

"It's good Judith was there for you in her own way. You needed to be able to cry for your little one and if that's what it took...then I'm glad."

It wasn't necessary for her to give him the details of how she lost Andre for him to understand what she was feeling. She had given him enough and he was honored she shared what she had with him. They resumed their comfortable silence, both lost in their own thoughts.

In some ways Judith was a reminder of all they have lost. But, she was also a reminder of all the good things that remain and all that is possible in the world: an expression of joy and hope for the future. Judith's birthday was definitely something to celebrate.


	3. Chapter 3

Rick sneaked a glance over at Michonne and noticed a silent tear slipping down her cheek. He'd seen glimpses of how deeply Michonne's feelings run before, but she had never expressed them this way in front of him or anyone else for that matter. Sure, she had admitted to crying just a short time ago, but he had never seen it. It was touching that she was confident enough in him to allow even a few tears to fall in his presence. He suspected it was important for her to keep a tight reign on her emotions. She wasn't the type who would want to be thought of as weak, as if anyone who has ever met her could think that. She was one of the most strong and resolute people he had ever met. Still, he forgot sometimes that she is also a woman and a mother. He's never thought of women as less than men, but he knows they experience things differently. The connection he has with his children as a father is deep and strong. He could only imagine how much more binding would be the connection experienced by a woman, the gender blessed with the ability to actually carry life within themselves. Rick reached over and gently touched Michonne's arm. When she turned to look at him he offered a nod of understanding. She responded with a half smile and a whisper, "Thanks."

He leaned his elbows on his knees and wondered if Michonne and Carol had ever talked to each other about the loss of their children. He wouldn't be interested in it but he knew people who had really benefited from that sort of thing. King County had a victim support group to which their department sometimes made referrals before the world went to hell. Maybe something like that could be started here in Alexandria. It was a luxury their group couldn't have before, a distraction they didn't need, but now, maybe it would work. He worried too about whether the people they had met here had the mental and emotional fortitude to make the hard decisions and take action when necessary. Not only had most of them never lived outside the walls but they also hadn't dealt with their losses. Everyone had lost someone or something important to them, even the Alexandrians. You couldn't have made it this long and not experienced loss. Leaving that kind of thing unresolved can mess you up and keep you from thinking straight. He knew first hand what it had done to him and the people he loved. Working through it could be a valuable part of helping to get everyone better prepared for whatever may come.

Rick's train of thought was broken when he heard the screen door creak open, "There you are! Hey guys, they're out here on the front porch."

Glenn walked outside letting the door bang shut behind him, not nearly as subtle as Michonne had been when she came looking for Rick. But then again, finesse had never been Glenn's strong suit.

"What are you two doing out here?"

Rick and Michonne looked at one another, neither eager to be the one to break their silence. However, aware that where Glenn had come more would soon follow Rick conceded, "Just needed some fresh air."

Glenn hopped up to sit on the porch railing facing them, "This has been a great night, hasn't it? I mean, we did it! We kept Judith safe. She made it to her 1st birthday! Who really thought that was going to happen?"

Rick pursed his lips and put his head down.

"Oh, sorry, Rick. I didn't mean anything by that, it's just"

Rick cut him off, "It's okay, Glenn. You're right, none of us were sure Judith would make it this far...It's a miracle when you think about it."

"Yeah, it's a miracle,. Our miracle."

"Glenn?" Maggie's voice echoed from inside the house. She poked her head out the door, "Are we moving the party out here?"

Rick held his hands up in surrender, "If you want to." As much as he had been enjoying the peace and quiet, he couldn't keep a smile from filling his face as he turned and watched his family pour out of the house one by one. It was great to have everyone together again. They had been so busy working their assigned jobs in Alexandria that they rarely had the opportunity to be all together in the same place at the same time anymore. Everyone was smiling and had glasses of wine in their hands. Carol carried two empty glasses which she gave to Rick and Michonne and Daryl followed behind with a glass for Glenn and a wine bottle. He filled the three empty glasses leaving enough in the bottle for himself.

"Hey guys, wait for me!"

Carl ran out the door holding a can of coke, "Glenn brought this back from a run last month and I've been saving it for a special occasion." He looked at Rick, "Judith is cleaned up and already asleep. She was worn out. "

Rick stood and patted his son on the shoulder with his free hand, "Of course, you should be out here with the rest of us. We'll hear her if she wakes up." He looked around at the bright faces of his family, "Well, now that y'all came out here, what's next?"

Daryl lifted the wine bottle high in the air, "We're going to make a toast, to Lil' Ass Kicker" He tilted his head to Rick "AKA Miss Judith Grimes. May she live a long, healthy and happy life!"

"Hear, Hear!" The group joined together in cheers, clinking their glasses together and drinking to Judith. They stayed together out on the porch long into the night sharing memories of the last year. They also talked about all the hopes and dreams they had for the future and especially for the little girl who held all of their hearts in the palm of her hand.

The End

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**You know the drill, The Walking Dead and it's characters are not mine. I only take them out to play once in a while. I've thought about exploring the support group idea in my next story. If you have an opinion on that, LMK. Otherwise, thanks for reading and especially for reviewing!**


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